How to help: Recognise, respond, reassure and react

• If you think someone you know is in an abusive relationship, it’s understandable you want to fix it. Please remember that stopping the abuse is not your responsibility. 
  
  

• The responsibility for the abuse always lies with the person causing harm. 
  
  
• If the person you're concerned about is in immediate danger, call 999 and ask for the Gardaí.
  
  
• There are still helpful things you can do.
  
  
• Remember the four Rs: Recognise, Respond, Reassure and React.

Recognise

• Research shows the importance of being able to identify the warning signs and risk factors for abuse.
  
  
• Many people do not recognise that domestic abuse takes many different forms. And there are widespread myths associated with abuse that must be challenged – for example, that it always involves violence.
  
  
• Become familiar with domestic abuse in all its forms, including coercive control and economic abuse, so that you can recognise the signs of an unhealthy relationship.
  
  
• If you plan to reach out to someone close to you, start by considering safety – theirs and your own. Think about safe ways to contact them or places to meet before you reach out.

Respond

• When discussing harmful relationships or experiences of abuse, listen without blaming.
  
  
• Create a space in which your friend, relative or neighbour can confide in you and feel safe.
  
  
• Listen without judgement and show empathy.
  
  
• Be patient and recognise that it is not easy to talk about experiences of abuse.
  
  
• Gender norms and cultural expectations might make it particularly difficult for some people to open up about their experiences, for example male victims of abuse or those in conservative religious communities.
  
  
• Supporting a friend may mean reminding them that you are there to listen, helping them to identify their options, or seeking professional advice on their behalf (with their consent).
  

Reassure

• Research highlights the importance of affirming, validating and understanding the feelings and experiences expressed by the person experiencing abuse.
  
  
• Expressing doubt, blame or hostility can harm the wellbeing of the person experiencing abuse. It could stop them from seeking further help. Make it clear that you believe them and validate their experiences.
  
  
• A good place to start is to say “I believe you”, and tell them the abuse “is not your fault”.

React

• Finally, offer to help your friend, relative or neighbour seek support – acting only if and when they want you to.
  
  
• This may mean offering to get in touch with Saoirse Domestic Violence Services. Please phone us on 1800 911 221 for free (24 hours a day, 365 days a year) or email helpline@sdvs.ie
  
  
• Supporting a friend or family member experiencing domestic abuse is difficult, so take steps to look after yourself too. Stay aware of your own needs when helping someone esle. This may include talking to friends, being compassionate with yourself, and making time for leisure activities.